


"Sweet Hunter Dean meets..."

by chaoticmint



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Castiel's True Form (Supernatural), Episode: s15e20 Carry On, Fix-It, Fluff, Humor, Love Confessions, M/M, Other, TITLE IS A REFERENCE, The Talk, but no regrets, dean is kinky but the fic itself is not, feelings really got in the way of comedy, idiots to lovers, kind of
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-01-08
Updated: 2021-01-08
Packaged: 2021-03-11 23:53:23
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 6,223
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28626009
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/chaoticmint/pseuds/chaoticmint
Summary: And the fact that this— this eldritch horror, this mass of light and energy, eyes and wings and limbs and whatever else — knowing that it's here, with Dean, that something socolossaleven just acknowledges his existence, not to mention cares so deeply about him — it makes Dean feel so,somany things, but primarily (and the realisation is actually mortifying), primarily, it makes him horny.[Dean tries to have a serious conversation but constantly gets side-tracked by his dick.]
Relationships: Castiel/Dean Winchester
Comments: 19
Kudos: 125





	"Sweet Hunter Dean meets..."

**Author's Note:**

> title references [a line](https://youtu.be/QKpzXdTwrQg?t=64) (1:04) from cw show supernatural, s13ep19

Dean has been in heaven for a while. He's not sure for how long, but he doesn't think time matters here anyway. He already visited most of his family and friends, even some acquaintances he made during life.

He found out a lot of new things, surprisingly. For example, Charlie and Jo got together, even though they've never met each other in life. Dean thinks it's weird, at first, that you can actually make new connections in the afterlife. Heaven in the form of reliving your best memories makes a lot more sense to him, if he's being honest. The way it is now — Dean's not complaining, of course, but it confuses him. It's almost the same as living, except it's also nothing like living. Things, whole places just... appear, out of thin air, prompted by thought. The only factor you can't control are the people around you, but there are not a lot of conflicts, anyway, because everyone he's seen so far is happy and content. 

Dean thinks it's a good thing people don't actually know about heaven's existence. Earth's human population would drop, drastically, if they did. He tries not to think about all that existential bullshit too much, though.

Dean has his own house, here, too. It's more of a cabin, really, and it's— well, it's cozy, there's no other word for it. It stands at the edge of the woods, next to a huge lake. On the horizon are mountains that sun rises from every morning. You can actually make it any time of day you want, here, but Dean likes to keep up this small routine of normalcy. Plus, he always enjoyed witnessing the sun raise and set. It's a beautiful sight. Always makes him feel calm, grounded. Proof that he survived another day — an ironic thought, now that he's dead.

He plops down onto the pier, legs swinging slightly over the water. Sky above him colors in pinks and oranges as the sun sets. Dean thinks.

The only ones he hasn't seen yet are his parents and— Cas. 

For very different reasons.

Whirlwind of emotions Dean experienced the moment Bobby mentioned that Cas is here, too, is — it was a lot. He was relieved, happy, nervous, scared. His first instinct was to avoid Cas at all costs, actually, now that Dean knew Cas is fine and doing his own thing. 

But that was then. As time passed, he realised that, maybe, Cas was avoiding _him_ , and Dean— Dean isn't sure how to feel about that. 

Dean was crushed, heartbroken, absolutely devastated, when empty took Cas. It didn't cross his mind, then, to ponder the true nature of Cas' feelings. Dean knows that his own love for Cas is— it's not just romantic. He doesn't think the romantic part is all that important, honestly. 

Dean isn't very good with words, and this feels much too poetic for his taste, but it is also just a straight fact, that he feels this— this connection to Cas. It's like they're soulmates, but not in a destined-to-be-together way — the exact opposite. Connected despite and in spite of all circumstances.

Back in purgatory, Cas said that Dean doesn't need to say anything, that he heard Dean's prayer, right? So. So it would've made sense, then, for him to say "I love you, too", right? If the nature of his feelings was similar to Dean's. 

But what was it about, then, when Cas said that "he wants something he can't have"? What's that supposed to mean? And Dean would've noticed the weird words if he wasn't so confused, in the moment, when the only thing on his mind was the fact that they're about to die, that Cas' resigned tone and expression could only mean the stupid son of a bitch was about to try and pull some self-sacrifice bullshit — again. Excuse Dean for not paying enough attention to his words. 

He hasn't prayed to Cas since he came to heaven, but he thinks it's time. If Dean keeps on thinking about this on his own he'll just get more and more confused, most likely. And when was he ever a feelings expert, anyway?

"Hey, Cas. Hi, it's, uh— fuck, of course you know who it is. I was just wonderin' if— can we talk? No, do you want to talk? Cause if you don't, I don't wanna make you do anything you don't want to, I guess, but I'd— I'd really appreciate it if I could see you? Just this once, even. Just to know — know for myself, not from Bobby — that you're here, that you're fine. That you got out," Dean gets choked up a little at the end there, but no one is here to judge him, so he doesn't care. 

Dean opens his eyes and everything around him is bright. He didn't think he was squeezing his eyes that hard, but he waits for them to adjust. And waits. And waits. But it still feels like his vision is flooded by light, and that's when he finally notices — he feels really stupid for not noticing right away — there, on the other side of the lake, a giant beam of light is looming over the water. Trees look like grass next to it; larger than mountains on the horizon. All the light gets reflected by the water, and it feels like the lake glows, too. 

Dean looks on as his eyes start to finally, finally adjust, excruciatingly slowly. All the light starts to take shape, and it looks like so many things at once. First thing that becomes clear is — it's wings. Wings all over the place, of different shapes and sizes, shining like a rainbow colored light show. Then — limbs, vaguely humanoid, but all different, too. Some of them would not look off on various animals, probably. Rings of what looks to be just pure light (or is it fire?) rotate in a sphere around the whole of— it. There are several heads, too, but Dean can't figure out what they are no matter how hard he tries. The whole thing is just. It's barely comprehensible. Even with all Dean's effort he seems to only be able to catch glimpses of the truth of what's standing before him.

Dean got so lost in trying to understand what he's seeing that he only now _understands_ what he's seeing — who, to be exact. It's Cas. Of course it's Cas. Dean realises that he can feel it — literally. He just _knows_ that this is Cas, and not anything or anyone else.

Dean sits on the pier, transfixed. Cas just stands there. And stands there. And stands there. Dean rolls his eyes and says, "Well don't just stand there all pretty, let's _talk_ , since you came."

Cas moves, and light stretches in Dean's direction. A limb. It seems bigger and bigger the closer it gets, and Cas doesn't even need to step into the lake to reach Dean, just bend a little at whatever approximates a waste on his body, or form, or whatever. It stops in front of him, flat, just above the surface of water. It's a palm. There's an eye in the middle of it the size of a small pool. The surreality of the situation grows, as Dean recognises the exact color of the eye — he had way too many staring contests with Cas not to be intimately familiar with his eyes. He's confused, for a moment. Those were Jimmy's eyes, weren't they? And then it strikes him — the whole "eyes are a window to one's soul" is a lot more literal than he thought, apparently.

Dean has wondered, sometimes, what Cas is _really_ like. Cas is still Cas, of course, with or without a vessel, and it was never really about the looks for Dean, anyway (that's a lie, he did find Cas' vessel hot, but it was still more because of who's _inside_ — or so Dean likes to tell himself). It's exhilarating, though, to realise that he always had this physical part of the real, _true_ Cas right there to see, and treasure, and love.

Dean stares into the eye. The eye stares back at him. Dean curses himself internally for being so slow and starts moving. Throws caution to the wind — he's dead, anyway, what's it matter — and jumps onto the palm. He feels it, then, a vague but strong feeling coming off of Cas. It's... affection. Dean feels his heart skip a beat. He looks back up at the whole of Cas. As he's being brought closer to his... heads? Faces? He's not sure, but they do become clearer. One head is that of a lion. Another is of a bird, an eagle, most likely. Dean sees horns in the back — there's probably a head (or is it just a face, after all?) there, too, facing the other way. The face right in front of him looks like a mask with nine eye holes in two neat rows of four and five, but they're not _holes_ , they're actual eyes. All blue, all glowing, all looking directly at Dean. Each head is larger than a house.

And the thing is, this should be _terrifying_. Dean always knew Cas was all big and strong — and he didn't lose any of his strength while being in a vessel, but. The sheer size of his true form — it's one thing to know something, theoretically, and another completely to actually _see it_ with your own eyes. Dean never really considered how huge Cas would be in comparison to him, but — wow. Cas could literally squash him like a bug if he so pleased.

Then Dean feels it — doesn't hear it, not in any conventional way, but feels it. Cas' voice. It's everywhere around him and inside him at the same time. Dean can't tell if it's high or low — it feels like everything at once, kind of an echo effect, but not really. Everything about Cas is _almost like_ , but _not really_. Dean feels the adoration in the words, "Hello, Dean."

And the fact that this— this eldritch horror, this mass of light and energy, eyes and wings and limbs and whatever else — knowing that it's here, with Dean, that something so _colossal_ even just acknowledges his existence, not to mention cares so deeply about him — it makes Dean feel so, _so_ many things, but primarily (and the realisation is actually mortifying), primarily, it makes him horny.

It's just— everything about Cas is— it's hard to put into words. It's the emotional aspect, of course, of being so small and insignificant yet feeling important, feeling seen by something so _monumental_. But it's the physical aspect, too. Wings, horns, fangs, countless limbs and— holy shit, were those actual tentacles he saw earlier? Dean always thought this shit was only possible in asian cartoon porn, cause monsters in real life would much rather eat you than fuck you, or fuck you _then_ eat you — neither of which is something Dean wants, thank you very much. Although, there was Benny, of course, but that was— irrelevant, at the moment, because here he is, presented with all of his wildest dreams wrapped in one — and this is _Cas_ , this isn't just some porn fantasy — this is a whole person, someone who _loves_ him (in an ambiguous way, but still). Dean feels like he's about to combust.

Dean also hopes that, in case Cas feels his emotions the same way he feels Cas', his mortification overshadows the horniness. 

"He—" Dean clears his throat, "hey, Cas, uh, long time no see?" Accompanied by an awkward wave. All of Cas' eyes narrow at that and— wow, isn't _that_ trippy. Feels like being in the spotlight, and, well, Dean had never been much of an exhibitionist or anything, but—

"It was actually much shorter a time than I would've preferred," and yes, okay, Dean has walked right into that one, "I am very mad about you dying so young, Dean."

"Oh yeah? What are you gonna do about it, punish me?" Dean wants to slap himself the instant the words leave his mouth. Why can't he be a normal person for once and _no_ t flirt? It's also— it's weird. It never felt this easy and natural to flirt with Cas before. 

"If necessary, yes. Whatever it takes for you to understand the value you and your life hold, Dean," Cas is serious, resigned.

Shit. Now Dean feels both horny and like he's about to cry. At least Cas doesn't seem to notice his out of place arousal.

"Okay, yeah, uh—" Dean isn't sure what else he can say to that, so he changes the topic quickly, "Should we sit down, maybe? Feels weird, just standin' here." 

Dean sits on Cas' palm, cross legged. Cas follows. It feels almost like free fall for a few seconds, and then Cas is sitting down, mirroring Dean's pose (it's hard to tell for sure, with all of Cas' body parts, but it's close enough). For a moment, Dean tries to imagine what they look like from an outside perspective. Probably like a gigantic, weirdly shaped lamp and a tiny moth. Why, even put like that, does it still sound kinda hot?

"So, Dean. What did you wish to discuss with me?" It is in that moment that Dean notices. Beneath all the warm and fluffy feelings coming off Cas there's also something like— nervousness. And maybe fear? Or is it... disgust? It's very mild, so Dean can't put his finger on it, but it makes him panic more — what if Cas _does_ feel all the horniness he's projecting, doesn't like it, but still wants to stay polite about it? This is horrible, this is _not_ how this conversation was supposed to go, fuck. Okay, he just needs to do this quickly and then go drown himself in the lake, or something.

"Well, I just...What did— what did you really mean, back then? When you told me, you know," Dean really wants to end it there but, fuck, he's already dead, why is he being such a coward about this? Sharing his feelings isn't scary (this isn't like with dad). What would Cas do, eat him? For a moment, Dean actually imagines being engulfed by— wait, no, that mental image needs to leave, now! Before he makes them both even more uncomfortable. What was he talking about? Right. "When you told me you love me, what did you mean, exactly?" Dean looks into Cas' eyes. Well, he can only do it with a few of them, but it counts. Cas looks back. Dean doesn't think a single eye has _not_ been looking at him the whole time, and the thought of that—

"I... do not understand what you're asking. I thought I was making myself very clear," Cas seems genuinely confused, and he tilts his front head to the side slightly. And that— that's such an authentic _Cas_ gesture, something Dean knows and recognises, it makes his heart clench.

"It's just. Okay, let's try from this angle — what stood out to me, when I thought about it later, is how you said that there's something you can't have. What did you mean?" Dean gets an impression of one of Cas' emotions again, and it seems Dean has upset him, somehow. Cas' wings pull themselves closer to his body, in a gesture that is guarded and protective, and Dean can't help but think about what it would feel like, to be held, _cradled_ by them, preferably while one of Cas'— Dean really wants to punch himself. Right now is _not_ the time.

"I don't understand why you are making me do this, Dean. I did not think you enjoyed my suffering," and this is the moment all of Cas' eyes suddenly turn to the side — away from Dean. It's very disorienting. 

"Hey, hey, no— no, Cas, come on, does it _feel_ like I'm doing this to hurt you? I mean, my emotions are... weird, at the moment, but there's nothing malicious coming off me, right?" Cas looks back at him. Still trippy, this is going to take a lot of time to get used to — that is, if he doesn't fuck this up and ruin whatever relationship they have forever. Cas is confused again.

"I'm... not sure what you mean, Dean. I can't... feel your emotions," and it's Dean's turn to be confused.

"What do you mean, you can't? Isn't this like. Part of the whole angel mojo? Cause I can— I can feel some of your emotions. It's kinda vague, but it's there," Cas turns thoughtful at that. He tilts his head to the side again, all eyes narrowing. A... hand, comes up to hold his chin. It shines bright purple, and looks humanoid, even though it has weird proportions — all slender and knobbly. And it has claws, how did Dean not notice the claws right away? His mind jumps to wondering what they'd feel like on his skin— Cas' hand drops away from his face, and he turns all his attention back to Dean.

"Oh. I think I understand. Remember, Dean, how, when I saved you from hell, it left an imprint? It was never just a scar — that was but a shadow, an echo of the real mark I left on your soul. I think... I think—" Cas seems reluctant to continue.

"Come on, Cas, whatever it is — just say it. It's fine."

"I think, you can feel some of my emotions because... a part of my grace has been fused with your soul, and now that it's so close to... me, to the main part of itself — it can pick up and translate some of itself to you? Although I'm not entirely sure — this isn't precedented, unfortunately," even as there's uncertainty in his voice and words, Dean also feels that Cas is... pleased? Yep, he's definitely pleased with himself. Dean wonders what that means. Is it just Cas being smug about solving a riddle? Or— yeah, no, he's going to leave all thoughts about possessive angels laying a claim on him for _later_. What's more important now is—

"But then why— this happened a long time ago, why didn't I feel you the same way back on Earth?" 

"Well, Earth and Heaven exist on different planes of reality. They are parts of the same universe and dimension, but it's like— different layers of the same thing." Dean can't help but smile at that.

"Yeah, next thing you tell me the universe is like an onion," Cas' expression doesn't really change — with the way he looks there's not much _to_ change, surprisingly, except his eyes, but Dean gets a very distinct impression of a bitchface.

"Firstly, I understood that reference. Secondly, this is a very serious matter, but — if you insist on food metaphors — it's more like a lasagna. Different layers stacked upon each other, all of them different, all of them separated, but together they make a whole. And, back to your original question, the way matter and energy interact is different here and on Earth. There, souls are restricted by their physical vessels — they don't interact with matter in any direct way, unlike in heaven, where a soul is the only physical manifestation of itself. And human souls are incredibly powerful. In heaven, they are easily capable of manipulating matter and energy surrounding them. The only exceptions to that are other souls and different such powerful phenomena — angels, for example," Dean's head feels like it's about to explode with all of that information. He also thinks that it's very sexy of Cas to show off his divine knowledge like that, but—

"Okay, so, to sum up the relevant info: I can feel your emotions, because a part of you is now a part of me, and because there are less barriers between my soul and your grace here in heaven. Correct?" Cas rolls his eyes at that — all of them. Dean can't stop paying attention to how surreal it is, with the amount of eyes Cas has.

"Yes, Dean, and just so you know — all of that information is relevant," oh, did Dean miss Cas being bitchy. But—

"Couldn't you read people's minds, though? Back on Earth." 

"I could, yes, back on Earth. I was able to scan humans' brainwaves to get the information. It's not possible to casually read a soul in any such manner," alright, this means that Dean can thirst all he wants without having to face the consequences— no, no, no! This means Cas is upset for a whole other unknown reason, and if Dean can't pull himself together and pay proper attention to this conversation he might lose all chances of ever getting that thirst quenched, and that just won't do. And it's not just about the thirst, of course. Right.

"Okay, but, uh. Okay. I swear I'm not tryin' to be an asshole here, Cas, but what is it you think you can't have?" Dean thinks Cas is kind of annoyed now, but he answers, finally. All of his eyes look upwards, as if he's looking for strength from above — which is funny, since they're already "above".

"I know you don't reciprocate my feelings, Dean. I know I have you as a friend, as family, but... that's not all the ways I wished I could have had you," and that's. That's very interesting. Dean's hope grows, even as his confusion does, too.

"What makes you think I don't reciprocate, though? I thought, you know. I actually thought that it was _you_ who did not reciprocate _my_ feelings," and it's Cas' turn to be confused again. His eyes narrow, and this time, his two other heads turn to face Dean more fully, too. It still gives Dean whiplash — or maybe it's all the light. Dean doesn't think his eyes have fully adjusted to the brightness, yet. 

"What do you mean, Dean?" Cas sounds kind of— kind if scary, as if, if Dean gives the wrong answer here, he'll have to face some sort of punishment, or something. And Dean— Dean just thinks it's super hot, what the fuck is wrong with him? Yeah, it's one thing to be excited by a scary sexy lady, but this— this is supposed to be a completely different level of scary. But his dick doesn't agree, apparently. As much as he wishes to go straight to divine retribution though, he has to clear this all up first.

"I mean. The last time we were in purgatory. I said I needed to tell you something, and you stopped me, told me you heard my prayer, and I thought you sort of just... Han Solo-ed me, you know?" Dean is the one who has to look away, now. The sun has long ago set, and the stars must have come out, but everything is illuminated by Cas, who's as bright as the sun, to Dean.

"I— I meant I heard your apology, Dean, your forgiveness. There was nothing about..." And Dean feels so stupid, in that moment. He should've pushed, should've said it, anyway, just for the sake of _saying_ — Cas' mood turns extremely bitter, suddenly. Dean looks back up at him as Cas turns away.

"What? What happened, Cas? What upset you, just now?" 

"I just realized. Even if you told me, back then, I don't think it would've done us any good, Dean. The empty would've swept me away the moment I registered the meaning of your words," and— shit. They were doomed right from the start, weren't they? But—

"Okay, you know what, what happened, happened. What about now? You said you wished you could have had me, as if... Don't you wish you could have me now?" And Dean is genuinely scared to hear an answer to that. He clenches his fists and braces himself for the worst.

"I do, Dean, of course I do. In any way you would let me. It's just that it's different, now. You see, I was falling, Dean. For a long time. You remember, how my powers were fading? It was nothing but my own fault. I always— I always loved you, Dean, from the moment I touched your soul, but that was... well, in the beginning, I was a divine being, fascinated by your existence — by your soul. But as time passed, I— it wasn't just your soul I started looking at. I was still fascinated, still adored you, but I— just existing in the presence of your soul was not enough for me, anymore. I began to crave your touch, your body. It could be argued, I suppose, that after losing my grace, gaining it back, dying a few times, it would make sense for my grace to be weak, but— I was made a warrior. Injuries of all kinds were expected and easily treated, but this— I gave in to lust, Dean, and my fall has truly begun. At the very end there, I think in another few weeks — months, if I got lucky, — I would've become completely human. But Jack, after rescuing me from the empty, he mended my grace, restored my full powers. It's— well, it all doesn't really matter anyway, now. You're here, I am here, too. I have no need of a vessel, and there's no way for me to really change my form, unfortunately." 

Dean thinks he needs to sit down right now, and he's already sitting down. Cas was _falling_? Because of _him_? Because of _lust_ for him, of all things? Dean is still trying to process that when Cas gets shy, all of a sudden, and it's even noticeable in his voice — which is really weird, Dean thinks. How can he distinguish any emotions in the earthquake that poses as Cas' "voice"? He doesn't know. Dean feels like he doesn't know anything, anymore.

"There is— a way, in which an angel and a human could be intimate, that is more... spiritual, than anything. It is an act of absolute trust. A human soul and an angelic grace laying themselves bare in front of each other. Connecting into one whole for a single moment that would feel like an eternity. You would know all of me and I would know all of you — it is like experiencing the entirety of each other's lives in the span of second. Such bond, it— transcends space and time. I'm not sure if that— if that's something you would want, Dean," there is so much in that sentence that scares Dean, and again, not in a sexy way, so he chooses to focus on—

"You tellin' me such a thing as _soul sex_ exists?" Dean gets an impression that Cas would very much like to punch him, or, more likely, squish him like an annoying bug right now.

"That is _not_ — You know what, Dean? I give up, let's just go with soul sex," is followed by so much fondness and affection Dean almost chokes on it. He closes his eyes for a second, and that's when he feels it — something warm, almost like a caress, washing over his whole body. His eyes fly open, and he looks around. It takes a moment, but he figures out that one of the fire rings just passed through him, and that — that thought makes him feel things. He wonders if it's possible to replace the association he has between fire and hell with _this_. If he could just bask in the pleasant warmth of Cas' flames for hours and forget all about how it felt to burn, and burn, and _burn_ — Cas looks at him curiously, and Dean really doesn't want to explain, so he asks, instead—

"Didn't you do it to me once already, though? When you got me out of hell?" 

"Oh, no, Dean, that's— it's completely different. I have but grazed your soul then. Got the barest glimpse of it's true vastness."

"Yeah? And what happened to the whole "i gripped you tight" shtick?" And the annoyance is back. Dean thinks about what a miracle it is, that Cas loves him so much, when he's apparently just annoyed with Dean eighty percent of the time. 

"The tightness of my grip had nothing to do with the level of emotional and spiritual impact of such contact, Dean," he regrets asking. He regrets asking! All this talk about tightness and gripping is not helping him at all, because, despite the emotional turmoil of this conversation, Dean still can't quite stop his body from _wanting,_ but also, what Cas just said—

"Okay, then how do you know about that? You've done it before?" Dean doesn't want to admit that the thought makes him jealous, but—

"Oh, no, never," that instantly makes Dean more relaxed. Not that he could do anything if the answer was different. Dean takes a moment to breathe, and realizes that he can finally see Cas more clearly — not like a film damaged by overexposure, and— Dean is mesmerized. Cas is _so_ much. So many different things, different colors, different _textures_. There's feathers, and fur, and scales, and something shiny, almost metallic, and something that looks like floating liquid — Dean has a fleeting thought about waterbending. And Dean just wants to _touch,_ to _taste,_ to—

"How do you know what it's like, then?" Dean is not sure if he's quite ready for that level of intimacy, yet. But later, who knows? He does, hopefully, have the whole of eternity to get there with Cas.

"Balthazar and Gabriel, of course. They did enjoy... sharing stories of their adventures. Such unions occur very rarely, though. The most famous one was between Gabriel and Mary, that's why people considered her a virgin — she actually was. But something similar has been happening between human souls here, in heaven. Although I'm not sure how close it is to the union of a soul and a grace, but the descriptions match, so far. It's only been happening since Jack built the new paradise. Before, as you know, all souls residing here were separated from each other." 

"Wait, wait, wait— go back for a moment, Gabe and Mary? _The_ virgin Mary? Jesus was Gabe's son? Shit, Jesus was a _nephilim_?" Dean thought nothing could ever surprise or bother him after facing God as the final boss (vampmimes notwithstanding), but this—

"A nephil — nephilim is plural. But of course. How did you think he was capable of performing his miracles?" The head tilt again. Dean gets momentarily distracted from having his whole worldview turned upside down — this simple motion creates such a surge of fondness in him.

"Plural. Of course. Right. I mean, this whole soul union idea is... interesting, and all, but I don't think I'm ready for that, yet?" Dean is afraid his words are going to upset Cas, but he just feels affection coming from him. 

"Dean, of course. I didn't expect you to even consider it, really," and that, the resigned way Cas says that — it just won't do. Dean leans forward a little. Tries, once again, to catch as many of Cas' eyes as he can, which is still not many, but it's the thought—

"Hey, Cas? I'm not sure if I actually said it yet, but— I love you. I have loved you for a very long time, I think, although it took me a while to figure myself out, and then to stop lying to myself about it. But I just. I loved you then. I love you now. I love you and I— I _want_ you, in any way and for as long as you let me have you," it is probably the most emotionally open Dean has ever been, but he thinks Cas deserves to hear this. _Dean_ deserves to finally _say_ this. He never really felt comfortable being so emotionally vulnerable during his life, and he's not sure he's completely comfortable now, but this is _Cas_. It was different back on Earth, even, but here, where Dean can literally feel Cas' emotions, he thinks it's only fair to share his own. And he's glad he did, because the reaction his words get out of Cas, it's— whatever feelings he managed to catch before, they were echoes, mere shadows of the love and _happiness_ that washes over him right now. He thinks Cas' whole being shines brighter, or maybe it's the moisture in Dean's eyes making everything blurry, or maybe it's both. Cas brings him slightly closer to his faces. None of them have muscles required for smiling, but Dean thinks they would be beaming right now, if they could.

"Dean, you already have me. Forever, in any way you want me," tears finally spill down Dean's face at that, even though he tried with all his might to hold them back. He quickly wipes them away with his sleeve and stands, so that he's even closer to Cas's faces.

"You're— Cas, you're everything to me. You're my family, and you're my best friend, and I love you, and I—" Dean has to take a deep breath here, "in your own words, I lust for you," Cas' mood sours just a bit at that. Before Dean could ask, he looks to the side and speaks.

"Well, I do appreciate knowing that, Dean, but, as I said, I don't need a vessel here, and I can't really change my form in any way, so—"

"No, Cas, look at me. Who said anything about vessels? I want _you_ , okay? Like, eyes and wings and rings of fire — the whole schebang," Cas does look at him. He's surprised, confused. 

"I'm not... sure I understand, Dean," Dean thinks about it for a moment. Looks around himself. Considers.

"Okay, uh, maybe a weird question, but do you have any smaller hands?" Cas' confusion grows, but he moves, and— Dean's breath catches. He even stumbles back a bit in surprise, but a strong, gentle hand on his waist keeps him from falling. What must be a few dozen hands are stretched out to him, all in different sizes — ranging from a couple close to the one he's currently standing on to several small, almost human-sized ones. Most with eyes on them. Concentrating very hard on not letting his imagination go _anywhere_ , Dean steps forward, takes one of the smaller hands with an eye on the back of it into his own. It's still probably twice as big as his. He looks up at Cas, who's getting more and more curious. Brings Cas' hand up to his face and gives the palm a lightest kiss. 

"There. You know, soul sex and all that spiritual stuff is nice and all, but this— I still understand nothin' about how matter and energy and whatever interact here, but this right here feels physical enough to me, _real_ enough to me," Cas looks away from Dean again — he seems nervous.

"I'm not sure, Dean..." and Dean feels very stupid, _again,_ and why couldn't he think with his _actual_ head for once? Because it only now occurs to him — Cas said he was falling, when he felt this way. He got all his angelic mojo back, now. Dean quickly let's go of the hand he was still holding. 

"Hey, hey, Cas, I'm sorry, I didn't think this through, I— of course you might not want that anymore, this was presumptuous of me, I understand—" Cas looks back at him and rejoins their hands.

"No, Dean, that's not— I'm just... are you sure? How could you be— I must look rather like a horror to you," behind Cas' uncertainty, though, intrigue grows. Dean smiles.

"Well, I mean. You are certainly capable of inciting fear, but— I, uh, I'm kind of into that, too? I mean, you're _you_ , Cas. I don't think I _can_ not be attracted to you, but also, well," Dean pauses, considers if he should really say this, decides he came this far already, so he might as well. "My dick was hard for like, ninety percent this conversation, to be honest," and Dean does not regret his words, for once, because Cas is properly intrigued now, and there's notes of something... _something_ like arousal, there? Dean isn't sure how it works, and he's not going to question it, either.

"Oh," Cas says after a slight pause, "But I'm still— I don't know how this could work, Dean," at that, Dean barely holds in a hysterical laugh. If only Cas could actually read his mind. Dean squeezes Cas' hand.

"Well, it's a good thing I have _a lot_ of ideas, then. I did not watch all that cartoon porn for nothing, you know," Dean wiggles his eyebrows suggestively, to push it a little further, and gets exactly the reaction he wanted — amusement, exasperation, _happiness_. 

Dean thinks about how ridiculous it is, that it took him _years_ to realise and admit his feelings for Cas back on Earth, but a single look at his true form here was enough for Dean to be ready to climb him. He wonders, for a moment, if it's breaks heaven's etiquette, to ask your eldritch horror boyfriend to punch your dad in the face. 

Dean smiles at the thought, then returns back to the present moment. Looks at Cas, takes all of him in again. 

Now, if only he could make Cas wear a cowboy hat, too...

**Author's Note:**

> first of all, happy beandenny canon day!!!????  
> which is also mlm monsterfucker dean winchester canon day!!  
> and yes dean winchester is a monsterfucker, a monster _lover_ , and if you don't agree you're either blind or a coward! (also, never forget demondean and his fwb pining fool crowley <3)
> 
> anyway, i was always fascinated by the idea of trueform cas and dean's reaction to him but [this post](https://pallasperilous.tumblr.com/post/639041330286411776/imagining-castiel-wandering-around-heaven-20-in) gave me the kick in the butt i needed to finally write it
> 
> dean: _i am attracted to cas' human vessel but the fact makes me uncomfortable. i am uncomfortable with my attraction to human men people_  
>  also dean: _yes i am a monsterfucker and what about it_
> 
> oh, and just as a reminder, [this](https://youtu.be/EjmRRJIEErs?t=125) _also_ happened on cw show supernatural, s13e17 (remember the fact that the scene referenced in the title and linked in the beginning notes happened in the second episode after that? yeah, they were laying it on _thick_ )
> 
> anyway, i hope you enjoyed!  
> [my tumblr](https://calmcassiopeia.tumblr.com/)  
> I am also writing a [multi-chap fic](https://archiveofourown.org/works/27934738) about Jack getting himself a tiktok account and sowing chaos, so go check it out, maybe (it does have a healthy dose of deancas content)


End file.
